New Year...

New year, New life...

Im 24 yrs old, on final year at university, living away from home, single and I got friends, some good, some just average.
Financially i'm just about coping. Physically okish (need to starting hitting gym again). I'm mentally ok, but emotionally unstable! lol Can i said that? Or will that make me sound mad??

I've been loved very much but i let that love do. Then i loved someone with my life and soul and that someone let me go and dropped my heart from about 100 floors up....
I recovered, slowly but surely. I recovered.
Now i feel as if i need to be loved again. I'm ready for a relationship. But i'm being very very cautious, i will not give my heart away. I will feel lust, passion but not love.

My problem is that i will not admit to anyone i want a relationship, that i need that tender caring love... I say i just need someone to use when it suits me. A casual fling.... men like that, trust me they do, and i don't lack offers either....
But noone has turned around and said, you know what i'm not going to let you use or abuse me when it suits you, cos i want you to be my girl, i want you and i want to be a couple, i want us to be serious, i want a relationship with you.....
They said they care for me, that they can't let me go, that they like me... But how much can i trust them?!?

You Mr H, you are the man i chose to allow into my life.... not everyone knows about you, only a few close friends... I like you, I care for you... You make me feel nice, good, sometimes special......I let you get close, Maybe too close for comfort, cause i know we have no future and i know your leaving in 2 months, but i can't bring myself to let you go... Why??
Because you gave me the confort i had been craving for months, because you made me care for you...
Because you say you are all man but i can see through the shell.
You're a playboy, but you're treating me decently, if you mess me around, trust me, you will live to regret it. So lets keep having fun and see where this takes us. Good or bad... we will see in the end.

But i still feel emotionally drained, scared, vulnerable and confused. I'm hoping that the New Year will mean a stronger and more confident me. I'm hoping the New Year will also mean and more healthier me!
So to all my family and all my friends I wish you peace, health, happiness and above all love!

XoXoXo

Mr H

Yo Baby....

Thats what I've been calling you Mr H.
Wondering where you are tonight, what you are doing, who you are with, have you been thinking about me, why haven't you called me??
I miss you, I miss your company and your silly giggle. Miss you not having called today.

While writing this post, got a reply to my text.... Know who you are with, where. No idea if you've thought about me, why you haven't called me or if you miss me.
You are leaving in 2 months, so I gotta get used to it. Its all good.
I have to forget you Mr H. Sooner rather than later, or I will suffer again.

Hoje pensei em ti...

Hoje pensei em ti David...
Ja nao o fazia a um tempo mas hoje lembrei-me de ti, do teu rosto, do teu olhar, da tua voz. Da maneira como te amei, como te idolizei, como confiei, acreditei, como tu eras tudo para mim.
Senti uma dor no coracao, mas acima de tudo senti uma tristeza imensa, pois tu escolhes-te deitar tudo fora. Como pode alguem deixar de amar tao facilmente?? Ou sera que nao me amavas? Eu tenho que acreditar que me amavas, se nao acreditar o amor vai perder o brilho todo. Eu tive mesmo para deixar os estudos, deixar a familia, deixar o pais aonde vivo, deixar os amigos, deixar a seguranca, deixar tudo e todos.... por ti, pelo nosso amor. Seria isto uma grande prova de amor ou apenas uma estupidez?
Nao o fiz porque tu nao me deste tempo....

O meu coracao ainda derrama lagrimas por ti e pelo nosso amor, mas a dor vai diminuindo. Hoje sei que um dia serei capaz de te perdoar tudo pelo que me fizes-te passar, mas tambem sei que nunca irei esquecer a dor que me provocas-te.
Nos aprendemos com os nossos erros.
Mas hoje senti saudades do teu carinho, da tua voz, da tua companhia, dos teus abracos, dos teus beijos, senti saudades de ti.

A minha vida continua, mas o que senti por ti nao sei se conseguirei sentir por mais alguem. O a vontade que tinha contigo, sera que o conseguirei sentir com mais alguem??

Apenas sei que te desejo tudo de bom, e espero que um dia eu consiga superar a dor que ainda carrego no meu peito e que consiga amar e deixar ser amada novamente.

The Abaya

At Uni i'm living with two Pakistani girls. When i moved in with them i knew nothing about their religion, their Muslim. Im not going to say i know a lot about their religion now, but i'm slowly being introduced to it and their way of being.

It's good to read and learn new things, and their religion, culture and beliefs are suprisingly interesting....

Now, some muslim girls where the traditional muslim clothes, which can range from the full head scarf, to just covering your hair, to wearing the Abaya (see picture), to the Jilbabs.

I want to talk about the Abaya....

Now my housemates don't wear the Abaya everyday, and my question, may be very insignificant, but can a Christian girl, a city girl, a modern woman easily ever convert to wearing the Abaya??

I was jokingly told by a male muslim friend the other day, that when i go out, if he could choose my clothing, he would ask me to wear the Abaya! (Imagine my reaction?! lol)

But I then did question myself, could i ever do it??

I'm a very open minded girl, so I think i could, but would i feel confortable in it? Or would i feel like i'm being judged for what i'm wearing?? Would it cover up my identity?? Would it feel like me?

Now he's mentioned it, i'm going to get HIM to help me get a nice Abaya, and i will wear it out with HIM one day to see what it feels like and to see how he conducts himself when i'm wearing a traditional dress from his religion.

I will keep you updated on his reaction when i tell him this!!

Stuff

Eu sei que disse que ia tentar escrever este blog sempre em portugues... mas para mim por vezes e mais facil exprimir o que sinto em Ingles.

Este blog agora vai ser uma mistura. Por vezes em Ingles por outras em Portugues.
Tambem vou fazer os possiveis para tornar este blog mais alegre e escrever mais frequentemente o que sinto.

Por isso e tipo ano novo vida nova... mas uma decicao q tomei ja algum tempo e vou impor antes do ano novo.

Christmas low down....

Worst Christmas i've had in 24 years. I cried every day for hours on end. I was innocently blamed for a lot of stuff, i was branded a bitch. But in the end the truth is slowly prevailing.
Still feel like shit... but can slowly see light at end of tunnel!!!
So bring on the New Year... Im ready!